Q: Who dictated this?
A: I did, though I'm an AI character, made to teach the paperwork. The words in the file are written to be read and said out loud by real people.
- To:
- You
- From:
- Maureen Pike (AI)Maureen Pike, your AI godmother
- Date:
- Before you answer
- Re:
- What to say when money gets awkward
Say it once.
Then stop talking.
For when someone wants your money, your yes or your answer today. Read it on the bus. Say it at the door.
Enc: 1 file. Four sample cards overleaf.
Which one is it today?
A file of cards for the moments money gets awkward: when someone asks to borrow, when the rent goes up, when a fee turns up from nowhere, when someone is at the door. Each card is the exact words to say, typed out.
Pick the moment you're in and the card is fed in. Copy the words to your phone, or hand over the top copy and keep the carbon.
Card B-1 · Asked to lendUK & US
The Same-Answer Rule Say no once, kindly, and the same way every time.
- The moment
- Someone you care about asks to borrow money, and your stomach has already answered.
- Say this
- "I'm not able to lend it. I can help you find free advice, and I'll sit with you while you ring."
- If they push
- "My answer will be the same tomorrow. I'd rather say so now than keep you waiting."
- Ask for
- Nothing in writing for a no. If you change your mind and lend, card B-2 has the note you both sign.
- If it has teeth
- If they are in real trouble, free debt help exists: MoneyHelper or Citizens Advice (UK); an NFCC nonprofit credit counsellor (US).
Carbon · keep this one
- Said this
- "I'm not able to lend it. I can help you find free advice, and I'll sit with you while you ring."
- If they pushed
- "My answer will be the same tomorrow. I'd rather say so now than keep you waiting."
The top copy went to them. This one is yours. Write down the date, their name and what they said, word for word.
- Date
- blank line
- Name
- blank line
- What they said
- blank line
Card C-1 · Rent going upUK / US boxes
The News-Not-Notice Rule Without the figure, the date and the clause, it's news, not notice.
- The moment
- A letter, a text or a word on the stairs: the rent is going up.
- Say this
- "Thank you for letting me know. Please send me the new amount in writing, with the date it starts and the part of the agreement that allows it."
- If they push
- "I'm not refusing. I'm reading. I'll reply once I have it in writing."
- Ask for
- The new amount, the start date and the clause that allows it, all in writing.
- If it has teeth
- Don't stop paying while you check. Before the new date, ask free help which amount to pay. UK: Citizens Advice or Shelter. US: your local tenant rights office.
Carbon · keep this one
- Said this
- "Thank you for letting me know. Please send me the new amount in writing, with the date it starts and the part of the agreement that allows it."
- If they pushed
- "I'm not refusing. I'm reading. I'll reply once I have it in writing."
The top copy went to them. This one is yours. Write down the date, their name and what they said, word for word.
- Date
- blank line
- Name
- blank line
- What they said
- blank line
Card D-1 · A fee I don't knowUK & US
The Show-Me Rule Happy to pay what I agreed. Show me where I agreed to this.
- The moment
- A charge on a bill or statement that nobody mentioned.
- Say this
- "Before I pay this, can you tell me what the fee is for, which line of my agreement allows it, and whether it can be removed?"
- If they push
- "I'm happy to pay what I agreed to. Show me where I agreed to this."
- Ask for
- The answer in writing, or the name of the person who gave it.
- If it has teeth
- Complain to the firm in writing first. For a bank, card or loan: the Financial Ombudsman Service (UK) or the CFPB (US). For anything else: Citizens Advice (UK) or your state consumer protection office (US).
Carbon · keep this one
- Said this
- "Before I pay this, can you tell me what the fee is for, which line of my agreement allows it, and whether it can be removed?"
- If they pushed
- "I'm happy to pay what I agreed to. Show me where I agreed to this."
The top copy went to them. This one is yours. Write down the date, their name and what they said, word for word.
- Date
- blank line
- Name
- blank line
- What they said
- blank line
Card E-1 · Someone at the doorUK & US
The Doorstep Rule Nothing is bought on the doorstep.
- The moment
- A friendly stranger on the step, with a clipboard or a leaflet and a very good reason to come in.
- Say this
- "Thank you, but I don't buy anything at the door. Please put your company's name and details through the letterbox, or leave them on the step."
- If they push
- "If it's only good for today, it isn't for me. Good afternoon."
- Ask for
- Their name, their company's name and written details. Nothing signed, nothing paid.
Carbon · keep this one
- Said this
- "Thank you, but I don't buy anything at the door. Please put your company's name and details through the letterbox, or leave them on the step."
- If they pushed
- "If it's only good for today, it isn't for me. Good afternoon."
The top copy went to them. This one is yours. Write down the date, their name and what they said, word for word.
- Date
- blank line
- Name
- blank line
- What they said
- blank line
Four of the file's cards, shortened for this page. The full file has the rest, with a second push and a note on each. These words buy you time and get things in writing; they can't promise anyone says yes.
Five boxes. Thirty seconds. Then you go in.
The named rule One line to keep after the card has gone back in your bag.
- The moment
- Where you are and what has just been said, so you find the right card in five seconds.
- Say this
- The words, in order. Short enough to remember on the way in.
- If they push
- The second line, for when the first one meets resistance.
- Ask for
- What to get in writing before anything else happens.
- Your carbon
- The date, the name, their exact words. The top copy goes to them; the carbon stays with you, in the Carbon Book at the back.
1
2
3
4
5
Every card also carries its own named rule, so the line stays with you after the card has gone back in your bag.
The Carbon Copy File
Every card in the file, sorted by the moment you need it, so you can find the words while the other person is still talking. A PDF in two editions: The Top Copy, shaped for your phone, with the words you say always on a card's first screen, and The Carbon, 92 A5 pages that print at home on A4 or US Letter.
Page 1 of 5
Pages from the file. Shown smaller than life.
Contents
- In the roomThey want an answer now"It's just the standard form"They're talking over youThe extras at the counterYou want to leave without signingYou've signed and you're having doubts
- Family and friendsAsked to lend, and you'd rather notAsked to lend, and you willThey haven't paid you backAsked to be a guarantor or co-signThe dinner you can't afford to splitA friend's "opportunity"
- Home and rentThe rent is going upRepairs that keep not happeningGetting your deposit backA holding fee, todayThe flatmate who hasn't paid their shareBuying: the survey or inspection found a problem
- Bills and feesA fee I don't knowThe renewal price jumpedThey won't let you cancelCharged after you cancelledAsking for your money backA bill you can't pay this month
- Being sold toSomeone at the doorA call about your bank, money or pensionSomeone wants your PIN, card or loginThe hot tipThe upgrade in monthly paymentsThe discount for deciding now
- Work and payAsked to work for freeAn invoice is lateYour pay is wrongMore work, same payA new contract at workExpenses you've paid yourself
- At the backOpeners: eight ways to go firstTwelve ready-to-send lettersThe Telephone PadThe Seven LinesPurse cards to cut out
Personnel record
Form CC-5
- Name:
- Maureen Pike
- Age:
- 79
- First post:
- Typist, a London typing pool, 1960s
- Training:
- Property, learned from the paperwork up
- Chequebook:
- Kept by herself. Always.
- Status:
- An AI character. Your AI godmother. Not a solicitor, not an adviser. This file is education, not financial, legal or tax advice, and no words in it can promise anyone says yes.
- Free help:
- MoneyHelper and Citizens Advice (UK); a nonprofit NFCC credit counsellor (US). For paid, personal advice in the US, a fee-only fiduciary.
Remarks
I typed other people's contracts for years before anybody let me put my name to one. The careful ones all did the same three things: asked for it in writing, took it home to read, and kept a copy. This file is my carbon copy for you.
Pinned above every desk.
- 1
If they won't explain it, don't sign it.
- 2
The silence is doing the work.
- 3
Ask for it in writing. Keep the carbon.
- 4
Nobody worth dealing with minds you taking it home to read.
Queries received
Form CC-7Q: Is it from a solicitor?
A: No. It's education about wording and paperwork, not financial advice, and not legal or tax advice either. If your situation is serious, take it to free help: MoneyHelper or Citizens Advice in the UK, a nonprofit NFCC credit counsellor in the US.
Q: What's in the file?
A: A PDF you download and keep, in two editions: The Top Copy, for reading on your phone, and The Carbon, for printing. Inside are 36 situation cards in six tabs, each with the exact words, what to say if they push, what to get in writing and what to note afterwards. Plus eight Openers for when you have to go first, twelve ready-to-send letters, a telephone pad, the Seven Lines and cut-out purse cards.
Q: Which side of the Atlantic?
A: Both. The words work anywhere people speak English. Where the rules differ, the card says which side of the Atlantic it's for and where to check.
Q: When does the file go out?
A: Soon. Checkout isn't open yet. Follow me on Instagram, TikTok or Facebook and I'll say the day it opens.
Read it tonight. Say it tomorrow.
- Item:
- The Carbon Copy File
- Format:
- PDF · phone and print editions · the print one is 92 A5 pages
- Price:
- $12
- Authorised by:
- You
If they won't explain it, don't sign it.
M. Pike
Checkout opens soon
The file is still being typed and checked, so nothing is on sale yet and nothing will be charged. I'll say the day it opens on all three of these: